Death of a Young Republican
by Todd Gillespie
Back in the days of the dawning of the Age of Aquarius and Jesus Christ, Superstar,
there was a grade-school kid who went to public school every morning and said the
Pledge of Allegience.
In history class, he learned about the patriots who fought and died to overthrow a
corrupt king and establish a new nation: a country where people could think, speak,
and worship as they saw fit. A country where the citizens could carry firearms to
ensure that the people would never again be subject to the whims of a tyrannical
government. He learned about George Washington. As the morality tale went, young
George chopped down a cherry tree and, when confronted, confessed because he "could
not tell a lie."
Back in those days, it was fashionable for parents to tell their children, "If you
are honest like George Washington was, study hard and do your homework, you can
grow up to be President of the United States."
Because he was just a little kid, this youngster was not particularly interested in
politics. But he knew he lived in the greatest country in the world. Everybody
knew that. This was a country where freedom was guaranteed. Not like in Russia,
where the government watched the peoples' every move and punished them if they
disagreed with what the ruling class said they should believe.
In 1980, Ronald Reagan was elected President. President Reagan said the government
should be restrained. President Reagan said the people of the United States could
become whatever they wanted to be. President Reagan sounded just like the history
teachers from grade school! A Young Republican was born.
Of course, not all of President Reaganís agenda was implemented, and the government
grew under Reagan, too - but that was all because of the no-good Democrats in Congress.
The Young Republican was indignant that President Reagan had to operate in such a
After serving two terms, President Reagan retired. But his vice president, George
Bush, easily defeated some little guy who looked silly sitting in a tank wearing a
helmet that covered half his head.
President Bush promised to keep doing what President Reagan had done. But President
Bush lied. He promised not to raise taxes, then he raised taxes. He promised to
streamline the government, and then he signed all kinds of goofy new laws that
didnít make sense. The government grew and grew.
It was pretty cool when President Bush bombed the crap out of Iraq. Right there on
CNN, we saw how powerful the United States was. We were proud to be Americans. But
then...President Bush "quit" right before he won! What was up with that? And
exactly what was a "New World Order?"
When Bill Clinton appeared on the scene, it was easy to be a Young Republican. Before
even taking office, Clinton suddenly realized it wouldnít be possible to cut taxes as
he had promised. His first action as President was to try and let overt sodomites
into the Armed Forces. This was followed shortly by a plan to socialize the
countryís health care system.
Something had to be done to stop the Clintons. Fortunately, there was the 1994
election. The Young Republican happily punched a straight Republican ticket.
So did a lot of other people. And it came to pass that both houses of Congress
were wrested from the control of the evil Democrats for the first time in 40 years.
Yep, the 104th Congress would surely save the country. The Young Republican breathed
easier. He could hardly wait to see what the new Republican Congress would do.
Here is a list of some of the laws that came out of the 104th Congress:
* A national database of employed people
* 100 pages of new "health care crimes," for which the penalty is (among other things)
seizure of assets from both doctors and patients
* Confiscation of assets from any American who establishes foreign citizenship
* The largest gun confiscation act in U.S. history - which is also an unconstitutional
ex post facto law and the first law ever to remove peoplesí Constitutional rights for
committing a misdemeanor
* A law banning guns in ill-defined school zones; random roadblocks may be used for
enforcement; gun-bearing residents may become federal criminals just by stepping
outside their doors or getting into their vehicles
* Increased funding for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
* A law enabling the executive branch to declare various groups "terrorist" - without
stating any reason and without the possibility of appeal. Once a group has been so
declared, its mailing and membership lists must be turned over to the government
* A law authorizing secret trials with secret evidence for certain classes of people
* A law requiring that all states begin issuing drivers licenses carrying Social
Security numbers and "security features" (such as magnetically coded fingerprints
and personal records) by October 1, 2000.
The Young Republican was dismayed. Still, he held his nose through the summer of
1996 and tried to talk people into voting for Bob Dole (who, as Senate Majority
Leader, had compromised away most of the Contract With America). Surely anything
would be better than four more years of Willie and the Witch. Night after night,
the Young Republican prayed that the people of the United States would rise up and
evict those malignant lumps from the White House. It wasnít a question of politics.
It was a question of decency.
But Bob Dole, who would have a hard time inspiring most people to scratch their butts,
did not inspire too many people to give him their votes. Apparently, most people by
that time had given up on the political process. Barely half of the registered voters
even bothered to cast a ballot. The Young Republican was among them, and he dutifully
went to the polls at 7:05 a.m. and dutifully punched a straight Republican ticket.
For the benefit of those who have more recently moved through the public school system,
allow me to explain. I was the Young Republican.
Last November, this Young Republican declared defeat along with the Sominex Man from
Kansas. It took 16 years, but the Grand Old Party had let me down for the last time.
I have had it with these people from both parties who treat their sacred oath to
defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic, as toilet paper.
Today, I describe myself as a "bomb-throwing anarchist." In reality, Iíve never even
seen a bomb, much less thrown one. But I figure I can start by throwing verbal bombs.
And I have a little newsflash for you, you traitorous Republican bags of scum: This
former Young Republican, and a whole lot like me, have withdrawn from your rotten
system. A lot of us have decided that you have betrayed our trust for the last time.
But our withdrawal from your limp-wristed Grand Old Party does not in any way
constitute acquiescence to your treason.
You see, being members of the opposition party all these years, supporting you while
you sold us down the river, has strengthened us. And when enough of your erstwhile
supporters have flown the coop, you will get your just reward.
You will be laughed out of existence. The once-great United States will finally
complete its slide into totalitarianism. Then weíll have us a rumble. It will be
great fun to watch you try and compromise your way out of that one.
Note: The list of laws passed by the 104th Congress is excerpted from an essay by
Claire Wolfe entitled "Pearl Harbor Legislation."
© 1997 Todd Gillespie. Permission to reprint freely granted, provided the article is
reprinted in full and that any reprint is accompanied by this copyright statement.