Presidential Approval Poll

Clinton scores 139% approval rating

by Todd Gillespie

SacredBull Newsservice--Because Ridicule is a Weapon

A new ABNBCBS-USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll shows President Clinton has achieved a 139 percent approval rating, the White House announced Wednesday.
The poll, which had a three-percent margin of error, "marks the first time in history the entire nation has universally loved their president all to pieces," White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry said.
"This proves once and for all that the American people simply donít care about Donorgate, Filegate, Troopergate, Whitewatergate, Travelgate, Nannygate, bimbo eruptions, suspicious suicides of high government officials, or really much of anything," McCurry said.
The poll asked everyone in the whole world their opinions on President Clintonís job performance and their perceptions on the quality of life in the United States.
139 percent of those surveyed said they "strongly agreed" with the statement, "Life in the USA is much, much better since President Clinton was elected." 0 percent said they "somewhat agreed," 0 percent had "no opinion," 0 percent "somewhat disagreed," and 0 percent "strongly disagreed."
139 percent of respondents also "strongly agreed" with the statement, "President Clinton is the best thing to happen to this country since sliced bread." 0 percent said they either "somewhat agreed," had "no opinion," "somewhat disagreed," or "strongly disagreed."
President Clinton, vacationing in Marthaís Vineyard with First Lady Hillary Roosevelt-Clinton and First Springer Spaniel Chelsea Clinton, said the poll reflects a new era in American politics.
"The American people have given me a mandate," President Clinton said Thursday. "Obviously, I can do whatever the hell I want and everyone in the whole world will support me."
Another poll released this week revealed that 67 percent of American citizens were incapable of placing the Civil War in the correct century, and 25 percent of American citizens were unaware that the Earth revolves around the sun.
In a related story, President Clinton today announced his continued support for the National Education Association.

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